SELF-THERAPY TIME - Emotional Baggage

I honestly have no idea from where to start. I have so much to tell and no idea from where to start. So I guess I'll start from the things that directly affects me. My Family.

Family :

Dad - Everyday he just breaks new records of disappointing me. He doesn't care about actually living life and not just surviving it. He does bare minimum and doesn't care about others feelings at all. i don't think he ever holds back from emoting how he feels at all. What sucks is he usually have anger to emote rather than love. He is really really selfish and only cares for himself. I honestly don't want to call him selfish because I still live in his house, It was all because of him that I did my college well with no students loan, that I can dare to dream. But sometimes I wish he was more sensitive towards us. Appreciate our efforts and treat us well. I don't wanna right more but I don't think I can count on him to be there for me ,To have my back. He isn't the kind of person I trust anymore. I guess I feel like I owe him a huge amount of debt or something and I want to get this burden of indebt. I feel more indebt than grateful. I just want to get over this feeling. 

Mission : Figure out a way to overcome this feeling of indebt. I can't change him and a lot of times, he won't even listen.

Bhai - He is very immature and very opinionated and he doesn't listen at all ,even when you say stuff that's for his own good. He Really Hates it when I tell him to do things a certain way for give him an advice. I guess humans really don't want help unless they ask for it or feel to needy, Ay? I guess I shouldn't be giving free advices anymore. I shouldn't worry about "Educating" him and let him make his own mistakes and learn from it all. I really need to refrain myself from getting in his business and trust him with his life more and gain his trust. I have no idea how to do that. I lose my patience with him really easily. I expect him to treat me respectfully because I am older but I guess It's okay if we are casual. I don't know why but as soon as I find out that someone is older than me , I start acting like a junior or their underling. I focus so much on age. I have come in terms with the fact that age is really just a number and all but I still am like this. I guess the reason can be because In our society we really focus on people's age but I wanted to overcome it as it will be one of the stepping stone towards improving my relationship with my brother. I really love him and he is really precious to me but I hate it when he behaves like an asshole towards me.  

Mission : Win his trust. Stop indulging myself in his business.

Mom - I really love her. She is hella strong and really an inspiration to me. I feel like with all the facilities she got, she went way ahead. I didn't really go that ahead with all the facilities I was provided, Heck I didn't do half as well. I don't want to blame her for my shortcomings. She really stands with me through thick and thins. No one is perfect  after all. I guess It's because I really seek her approval for validating myself, when she gets angry or be mean to me It affects me directly .It breaks my confidence and I instantly feel like a loser. She finds mistakes with everything I do. I can never do anything properly in her eyes. Maybe I really don't do it properly ,So pin points it out. Well, I gotta work on it. She really is hard-working and manages a lot without me or anyone. Let's try doing everything she says properly without compromising on quality

Mission : Do everything she says properly without compromising on quality. And let her know when she really is wrong(like disturbing me when I talk on phone).

Friends :  I have lot of people to hangout with now. I spend money, I initiate and boom everyone is there. I am really grateful for my friends. I hang out with them regularly and all but still there is this hollowness. Like I am still so emotionally dependent on them. There behavior decides my mood. Everyone is busy with their things. I should be busy too. My friends are behaving just the way they should or in other words very human like. I am handling them pretty well as well but I want to be independent of them. Even emotionally. They are being just humans and I am just overthinking and making a fuss.

Mission : Be emotionally independent. Don't keep expectations. Don't be an ass to them.

Relationships : I want to feel like I am the most precious thing in the world. I want to be cherished and pampered. I don't just want to be a trophy but someone who people address in a Thank you speech. Sadly, I have never ever experienced this feeling. And I really crave it. I crave that feeling of butterflies in stomach, The beautiful merry world (basically my rosy-glasses), the physical touch and the intimacy. I really want to experience it at the same time keep my head high. I feel like I don't have any good man around me honestly. Even if there were I don't know how to subtly flirt or even notice when someone make a move. And I act like I am sooo smaaartttt and sooooo Experienced. I call BS. I did learn from my mistakes but it's not bad to read on it ,understand and learn what is what. So yeah, I am not gonna be shy and learn and read and make wise decision. 

Mission : Read various articles from trusted source and learn from it. It's not wrong to be aware.

Carrer :  When I was young, I wanted to be an actress. I still do. More than anything. But I also wants to support my family. Being an artist is tough. It's sad but true but dedication and hard work can only take to you to a certain level and the Money gives a whole ass push foreword. I feel lost, anxious, confused and really stressed. I honestly don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to get started. 

Right now I feel like I am running in so many directions together that I am not really able to catch up to anything. I gotta sort my head. Decide how I want to be where and I want to and what to do in other to be there. Focus more.

Mission: Do some research everyday.

Moving to new city :  I am as excited as nervous. Official adulting starts. Official spending my money starts. Official can't trust others, gotta do my own thing starts. Official No leo starts. Official no permission from anyone else starts. But honestly, there are more cons than pros. Only pro, no longer asking for permission. But what would I need permission for. Even now I get permission   for everything I want to. But yeah, another pro is I'll get a complete control of my life. My parents control a lot of things in my life and make it 100 times easier(and dad 200 times for difficult sometimes) but yeah overall it'll be good thing that'll help me grow. So yeah better buckle up

Mission:  Do a whole lot of research how to ne independence.